My beloved husband, Girshel Javakhishvili, lost his battle with cancer on December 4, 2016. I was with him when he took his last breath. He died earlier than expected. He had wished to die in his sleep but that did not happen. It was a painful heart attack which I witnessed and continue to replay every day in my head.
To say it was a long, heart-wrenching journey is an understatement.
I don’t know how I made it through that time filled with arguments with insurance reps, doctor appointments, doctor disappointments, clinical trials, pharmacy runs, cancer research til the wee hours of the morning, hundreds of emails and phone calls, multiple trips for cancer treatment outside of NY, hospice care, so many aides, numerous supplements and vitamins, extreme diet changes, sleep deprivation and more without the support of our family and friends and music. (Music can really save your sanity as well as a network of love!)
Some of his NY friends and family did disappear from our lives the closer he got to death. [Very selfish on their part. It may be painful to see someone with a terminal illness but think about the person who IS dying! They will have to deal with that karma when it comes back around and it already has for one person.] In the end, the very end, there was me, my sister, his mom and his best friend since childhood rotating time with him in the hospital. That’s more than nearly everyone on this planet will ever have when they die. Even Prince, an extremely talented man with tons of fans and wealth, died alone. And in an elevator at that. How terribly sad. My husband is lucky that he died with me and all of my love standing there at the foot of his bed.
I have a list of regrets and unfulfilled wishes, questions like if the path or the end would be different had a I or Girshel chosen A instead of B, guilt and a whole ocean full of sorrow.
I am trying to be content with “he’s no longer in agonizing pain now”, “God is in control, not I” and “he’s in a better place” but I am failing. I cannot comprehend God’s desire of torturing a human being for a year and half who has not harmed anyone to the same extreme.
Life is inherently unfair. I knew this a long time ago. I realized this in high school, I think. But why did both Girshel and I have to be reminded of it to such an extent? A question that will never be answered in this lifetime. I am not so privileged. Neither was he.